a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
