let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
it glows. i had to have it.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Damn victory sex feels great
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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