Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
