it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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