I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
