Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
