I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
