apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
