If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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