I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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