well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
