So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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