Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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