I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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