The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
