Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
