if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
