I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
