I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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