I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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