All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
