Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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