I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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