hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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