By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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