I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i think my cat just said my name.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Randomize
