i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
