I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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