Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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