awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
