It's Friday. Sex?
I just threw up on my dentist
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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