i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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