I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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