why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
