I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
