Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
