my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
