i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
