I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
