I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
