This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
