Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Pooping to opera.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
