The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
