Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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