he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
