You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
