you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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