Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
