Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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