i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
